Patience is a Virtue
“She can be hot-tempered!” my mother would say with a damning tone, which I thought was pretty rich coming from someone who had always been a bit of a live wire.
“Patience is a virtue!” the father would say, and sing a terrible song in an even more terrible voice:
பொறுமை எனும் நகை அணிந்து
பெருமை கொள்ள வேண்டும் பெண்கள்
Meaning: Women should wear the jewels of patience, and feel pride in it.
And I would just lose it.
Again, coming from the pair that bickered their life through, it was a bit much.
From a young age, I was led to believe that impatience, anger, and hot-headedness are vices. So, every time I felt this way, it bothered me – less over time, but bothered me nonetheless. While anger is better wielded when in control, there is a necessity for righteous anger, and even anger to defend oneself, or someone else. There is also a necessity to wield it as a protective shield – especially as a woman. So, why do we continue to tell women it isn’t okay to be angry?
Is Patience a Virtue or a Vice?
Even as recent as last month, I was told that a friend of mine never lost her temper, in glowing terms. I had a cold, and was coughing and sputtering through a phone-call.
“Did you try boiling the water using the kettle?” the mother said, not listening to what I was saying at all, but telling me what to do in a voice that did a thin job of veiling her true thoughts of my competence in the kitchen.
“No mother! I took three bricks, broke a branch, and tried scraping firestones together to light a fire on which to boil water.”
Hence the : patience is a virtue refrain. 👀I could try being endlessly patient like this friend, could I not?
As though that was her most redeeming quality. It wasn’t – she was loving, kind, generous, and funny. She was also judgmental and stubborn (her patience actually helped her win her way in the long run, so far from it being a virtue, I saw it as sometimes being problematic), but there it was.
Cranes are endlessly patient, brutally so, in their quest for what they want, aren’t they? Ask the fish what they think of that.
“Maybe, Buddha should have been a Bodhini and taught us the way”, I snapped and put the phone down.
I did feel a twinge afterward – the poor lady was only trying to help, but really! She hadn’t even listened to what I was trying to say, which was somewhat time-critical. Too wound up to speak, and the timezones not contributing to the late hour, the crux of the communique had to be sent as a cryptic message on WhatsApp instead. This, of course, resulted in tedious messages of varying hilarity, and interruptions.
Sigh!
Anger from When Women Were Dragons – By Kelly Barnhill
A quote from When Women Were Dragons – By Kelly Barnhill swam to the forefront:
I am sorry. I said, I couldn't look at her face. “I .. I don’t get angry”. I shook my head. “I don’t usually get angry. But lately…” Mrs Gyzinska gently cupped her hand against my cheek “Anger is a funny thing. And it does funny things to us if we keep it inside. I encourage you to consider a question. Who benefits, my dear, when you force yourself to not feel angry. Clearly not you.” She glanced around the room. “Look at where you’re living. Think of what you’re being asked to do. You’re not angry? Hell. I’m angry on your behalf.”
I suppose, this is another of those things we need to stop telling our women. Instead stopping to think:
“Who benefits, my dear, when you force yourself to not feel angry?” – Kelly Barnhill, When Women Were Dragons
Just as much as we should stop telling our men to not cry, or feel vulnerable.
Anger and vulnerability are human emotions capable of just as much as love and loyalty, so why do we deny ourselves the power of these emotions?
Happy Womens’ Day: May we allow ourselves to be angry for the right things in the right proportion at the right time, so that we may do the right thing!
Nourish-n-Cherish 