Burglar Alarms

I have a car remote that has a mind of its own. It decides when it wants to work. I went grocery shopping the other day. Not my favorite kind I assure you.

The grocers had a store-full of stuff I needed, or rather my house-keeping has fallen on bad days. All on a sudden I was spotting a trend to anything I wanted to make. I would suggest a dish, and then realise one tiny but important ingredient is missing. So, I would happily switch to another dish without batting an eyelid. When that happens thrice the same day, the mind’s eye discerns a trip to the grocers. I don’t know how my car senses my mood, but it seemed reluctant to go along as well.

I digress..but the point of the matter is, I came back with bags hanging from very limb (also 1 bag per finger on the hand) and attempted to open the car, and it wouldn’t budge. I tried from every angle, and it refused to emit the necessary rays. Another sigh, and I finally opened the car manually.

It was totally unresponsive to my remote, and when I opened it manually, it screamed and shrieked and shook violently. Well…not really, the car alarm went off, but the screaming, shrieking and shaking pretty much summed up my reactions in the parking lot. I finally cajoled it into staying quiet, but it whimpered.

Blip Blip” it said every 2 minutes and started the alarm again.

I attempted to show it my face, and say –
“See, this is me, you idiot! You see me everyday! Stop wailing!”

When the nerves are wracked, it takes a while to reset the burglar alarm, and by the time I had figured out how to do it, cops from San Francisco, Los Angeles and San Diego were piling into their cars. I exaggerate but you get the drift.

A month ago, my dear friend’s car was stolen from his community. The same model as the one I was pleading and cajoling with. Apparently, that car went without a squeak! Why did that car not go crazy? Or maybe the car thief knew exactly how to turn the burglar alarm off before the sirens wailed.

SIGH! Remind me why burglar alarms are there again?!

Surprise !!

Keeping surprises and I have a certain .. well, “relationship”. I can’t keep them. Its spiteful, the way they insist on tumbling out of my mouth the moment I try to keep one.

This time, ‘Determined’ was the word. Not one slip of the tongue – even if it means less communication at home. These surprises have played with me long enough for me to take some stern action.

I know my shortcomings, and consequently NEVER plan surprise b’day parties – I’d probably be asking the b’day boy/girl the menu. I decided to start small – a surprise birthday gift would do. I went online, and decided to buy my husband some books for his birthday. We both use the same Amazon account, and I figured the books would come soon enough.

I ordered the gifts, and came home every evening looking for the parcel from Amazon. The birthday came and went, but there was no sign of the books.

A week later, and still nothing.

How long can a sane person keep a surprise?! Left with no choice, I called my husband, and asked how long Amazon delivery usually takes. He told me what I already knew – max a week.

“Why?” he asked
“Oh .. umm nothing..I … er … just wanted to know. My friend asked me – so I ..er.. told her I’ll ask you” *How LAME?*

You can imagine the strain on my nervous system by now. I was twitching and fidgeting with every doorbell. I could take this no more – a person needs peace. This just wouldn’t do! So, I checked Amazon, and the site confirmed that I had cancelled my order.

What the >$#$#)%? I never cancelled the order. I have been looking forward to those books so much now – my head was reaching bursting point.

So, I called the old husband again, and put on my interrogative hat. For those of you who are new to interrogative techniques, let me assist you:

First the gentle prodding:
Me: Honey… Do you have anything to say about Amazon?
He: It’s a great site isn’t it? I saw something you might like. Just click on..

I cut the conv. short – I was piqued and desperate to get to the bottom of the matter. I also adopted the curt tone for added measure
Me: No….I mean, did you do anything with an Amazon order 15 days ago?
He: No…why would I do anything with an Amazon order? Hey…just check out what I am showing you…

An edgier tone is warranted. It helps if you also clear your throat once or twice to signal how dire the situation is
Me: *Clears throat*. REALLY! Did you or did you not cancel an order 15 days ago? I’d ordered 2 books
He: Oh…was it you who ordered those? I thought I had added them to the shopping cart by mistake and cancelled them

Cool as a cucumber!

All these days my nerves on end, and this cutlet went and cancelled the order without a squeak!

“Why would you do that?” I shrieked. “I bought them to surprise you for your birthday!”

“Oh” – Is that a response, I ask you. Is that a response?


The Shopping Cliche

I love shopping, and it is not one of my husband’s favourite activities.

When I say I love shopping, I am not an obsessive shopper, who shops 8 hours at a stretch, or demagnetizes the credit card with use. Every once in a while I love to stroll through the aisles, just looking at the interesting things out there, browsing if you may – but not necessarily online.

When something attracts my attention I alert the better half to take note. All I have to do is say is:
“Isn’t this nice”

I can reel the reminder of the conversation in my sleep:
“Yes, it is….Why don’t you buy it?” he quips.
“I only said it was nice, I never said I wanted to buy it!”
“Well, if you don’t want to buy it, why bother telling me?”
“Because I thought of sharing my obs.”

Oh well….I never learn, and he never learns. I may be generalising here, but when women shop and say something is nice, it is not always with the desire to acquire the article. There are times when the intention is to buy, but THAT, you can sense in the tone and eyes. (In such situations, regardless of what you say, we buy the article.)

Here is my theory with shopping: you have to browse around to see what you like enough to buy.
Here is my better half’s theory: you have to browse around only when you know you like something well enough to buy.

My question is: how do you know you like something enough to buy, unless you spend some time aimlessly looking around?

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